All the Pretty Little Horses
by Sylver Secret
Summary: Duo is so entrenched in his thoughts of the past, that he is neglecting the present. Who will open his eyes? Who will help him bury the past and cherish the life in front of him?
1. Hell is a place called home

All the Pretty Little Horses

/.../ song lyrics

... thoughts

(...) Author's notes

A beautiful dark haired woman sat in a wooden rocking chair, smiling at her only son. He was at an adorable, yet mischievous age. His hair flew about his face, sticking in every possible direction. He grinned up at his mother. She laughed; you could barely see his large, violet eyes beneath that rag-a-muffin, mop of hair. The woman hoisted her son onto her lap, and brushed his unruly hair. She hummed a familiar tune as she gently brushed away the knots. With all the knots gone, she deftly pulled it into a short braid. His hair was far to pretty to cut, she had decided. She kissed the top of her sons head, and embraced him tightly.

"I love you so much!" She exclaimed. The little boy giggled as the woman began to accost his stomach with raspberries. He squirmed and laughed and kicked.

"I love you too, Mommy!" The woman's smile vanished when she heard the distinct slam of a car door. Her violet eyes widened in fear, as she scooped up her son and bounded up stairs. She got to the child's room, and laid him gently in his bed. Her dark hair tickled his face, when she leaned in to kiss his forehead. She tucked him in.

"Don't you worry, David, Don't be scared. No matter what you hear. Do not make a sound! Do you understand me?" David nodded vigourously, unable to keep fearful tears from welling up in his big eyes. His mother wiped the tear away.

"MELODY!" The woman, Melody, trembled apprehensively the sound of the voice. No matter how many times she had heard the tone---the harsh rasp of anger always made her jump. Melody quickly shut the door to her son's room, and headed towards her angry husband. She did not have to walk far. He stormed up the stairs to meet her. His short hair blond hair looked almost white in comparison to his red, flushed face. His hazel eyes narrowed with rage—hatred. A little girl, a near spitting image of her father, was only a few steps behind. Her hair was blond, and in curly pig tails adorned with red ribbons. Her overalls had Minnie Mouse buttons. She rubbed the buttons when she was nervous. She stood at the stop of the stairs rubbing the straps buttons between her thumb and forefinger. She bit her lip as she watched her parents, no more than a few feet before her.

The angry blonde man smacked Melody with an open hand, the force of the blow made her head snap to the side. His hand left a large red mark on her pale, porcelain-like skin. "What did I tell you?" He demanded. Melody held her sore cheek confused. She racked her brain for what he was referring to. She found nothing.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, still clutching the newly made bruise. His eyes narrowed into dark, thin slits beneath his furrowed brow.

"You know what I'm talking about, bitch!" He struck her again, this time with a closed fist. Blood began to pool in her mouth. She spat, and he raised his fist to strike again. The little porcelain doll of a girl could take no more.

"Don't hit her anymore, she's sorry!" She pushed him, and pummeled at his stomach with her tiny fists. It was a feeble attempt to get him away from her mother. "Stella, no, don't!" Melody exclaimed. The man's eyes widened in disbelief, and a red vein popped up just above his left eye. Sadistic laughter came from the man, as he swatted her away. His hand smacked her in the nose, offsetting her center of balance. The girl stumbled backwards, her arms flailed as she tried to regain her balance. She tumbled down the flight of wooden stairs. Little David watched through the keyhole of his bedroom door. Stella made contact with the wooden stairs several times before landing in a heap on the floor. Each contact made a loud, sickening crunch. David flinched each time. Tears poured out of eyes and onto his cheeks. He pressed his hands over mouth to keep silent. He wanted to scream. His mother did scream. She pushed passed her psychotic husband, and ran to her daughter. Her body was contorted into a horribly unnatural position. Her back looked broken, and blood seeped out from a wound in her head, soaking her beautiful blonde hair. Melody felt for a pulse—Nothing. She screamed again.

"No, no, no, no! You're not dead! You're not dead!" She broke into debilitating sobs.

/Hush-a bye ../

The brunette sobbed over her daughter's lifeless body. "You're not dead!" Melody cried. Tears coursed rapidly down her bruised cheeks.

/Don't you cry../

"Thomas! How could you?! You killed her! You killed Stella!" Melody exclaimed.

"She brought it upon herself," Thomas replied, a predatory grin played on his lips, as he stalked down the stairs.

"Like you brought this, upon yourself," he growled and roughly grabbed her long brown hair. She never took her eyes off of her daughter's body. She didn't even have the drive to fight. She just wailed in grief. Thomas dragged the lamenting woman across the floor into the next rooming shutting the door. Screams of agony echoed through the house, shaking the windows. The boy looked on.

/Go to sleepy.. little baby/

David drew his knees up to his chest, and hugged them. He rocked back and forth. The little boy tried to block out the images of his sister's terrified expression the moment before she fell. She had been looking right at him. He could do nothing. The sight was impressed on the inside of his eyelids. He cried—his mother's screams also pervading his thoughts. He clamped his tiny hands over his ears, but it was no use. Tears welled up in the little boys eyes, and spilled out onto his cheeks

/When you wake, you shall have/

Thomas left his wife bloody and sobbing into the carpet. The man stormed out of the house—leaving the door open. He jumped into his car and sped away. Only God could be sure where he was headed. Melody limped to where her daughter lay in that shallow pool of her own blood. She fell to her knees next to her. She hugged the lifeless form, sobbing. She struggled to stand up. Her thoughts were dark, her life was over. She could barely bring herself to take the next breath. How could she protect David? What Thomas killed him too?

"I've failed," She whispered, "I cannot protect him." She fell to her knees once again. Her eyes caught the glint of her husband's switchblade; it was in the middle of the floor---where he had thrown it. She reached for it, knowing that she could no longer go on. She put upturned her arm, and found the vein. She bore the knife deep, grunting as she traveled all the way up to her elbow. She tried to mimic the cut on the other arm, but her fingers had lost feeling. The blade was slick with blood. She dropped it. Her eyes traveled upward, and saw a trembling David at the top of the stairs. He ran to his mother, and hesitated. All the blood terrified him. Melody gave her son a weak smile.

/All the pretty little horses../

"Honey! I want you to run! Run as far from here as you can get!" He nodded nodded, and kissed the forehead of his dying mother.

"Now go! I don't want you to be here when _he _comes back," she whispered hoarsely. "I love you, Mommy," he whispered and ran out of the house.

He ran

/Black and beige /

And ran.

/Dapples and Grays

David bumped into a boy with brown hair and smiling green eyes. His little body bounced off of the older boy, and crashed to the ground. He took short, ragged breaths. The older boy offered David a hand. He accepted it, and struggled to his feet.

"Hey kid, what's your name?" he asked.

"I'm -I don't have a name," the boy whispered, not having to anything to do with his father.

"Well, we are going to have to fix that. Call me Solo."

/Coaching six white horses/


	2. Firedancer

**All the Pretty Little Horses**

It did not take long for David and Solo to become close friends. Solo enjoyed having the younger one as a protégé, and served as the older brother David always wanted. Solo knew from the dark, faraway look in David's eyes that he was older than his years. He never asked about his past though; it was irrelevant. The present was what really mattered. It didn't even matter that they were homeless, street urchins. It didn't matter that no one else in the world cared to give them a second glance. They had each other. They were family.

Solo looked at the younger boy and asked, "So what do you want to be called?"

David shrugged. "I don't know," he mumbled, he couldn't think of any names.

"I'm gonna have to call you somethin' though…" Solo mused, rubbing his still hairless chin. He looked at his younger friend. What could he call him? A few terms of endearment crossed his thoughts until he came across the one that seemed to fit the best—at least temporarily.

"Well do ya mind if we call ya Kid till ya do?" he asked gently. There was a flicker of sadness in the boy's large, violet eyes. A tear tried to escape, but he faked a sneeze and wiped it away. He could not wipe away the heaviness in his heart, though. His older sister, Stella, had called him 'kid.' He hated the way he remembered her. Every time he thought of her he saw her face. It contorted in agony in fear. It overpowered his happier memories.

. "Well?" Solo asked after a few moments of uncomfortable silence passed.

"Sure, you can call me Kid," he answered. Solo smiled.

"So you hungry Kid?" He asked. Kid nodded vigorously. He couldn't remember when he had a meal last.

"Well, I'm gonna show you how to get a meal, on the streets," Solo said with a sly grin. "Okay," Kid responded quietly. The two of them walk down the street, passing a fruit and vegetable stand.

"Hey, what about here?" Kid asked. Solo shook his head, surveying the fruit stand. Only one man worked behind it, however, there was a steady throng of people passing it.

"Too many people," he replied. Solo began to walk away from the stand, but Kid grabbed his sleeve.

"No, wait! I have an idea!" Kid cried. Solo sighed. He hoped that Kid's idea wasn't going to get both of them chased for shoplifting. He didn't really feel like running. But the pitiful, puppy-like look in his friend's naturally large eyes melted his reserve. He relented.

"Okay, Shoot." Kid grinned. His entire face seemed to light up at the chance. Solo laughed, he couldn't help it. He looked so suddenly excited.

"See…I'm smaller than you, people wont notice when I'm doin' stuff." Kid began. He paused to make sure that Solo was paying attention. He nodded, indicating that he was. Kid then lowered his voice.

"Well, if you distract him. I think I could get some food." A smile played on Solo's lips. It was a novel idea.

"Well, distract him how?" He questioned. Kid tapped his index finger on his chin as he contemplated the questioned. He hummed thoughtfully.

"Um…Ask him something—make him have to look down, at least away from me." Kid finally explained, once he had caught a hold of his idea. Solo grinned, and ruffled the boy's hair affectionately.

"You are a genius, Kid!" Kid flashed a knowing smirk.

"Hey, Sir!" Solo called to the stand owner. The man looked up, looking mildly annoyed. The green-eyed boy flashed him his best, "trust me" smile.

"What do you want?" The man asked gruffly. With the owner's attention averted, Kid began to sneak pieces of fruit one at a time. Solo tried to make small talk; he watched Kid with his peripheral vision. The man was not obviously in the mood for small talk. A bead of sweat formed on Solo's brow. He then noted the bulge of a cellular phone in the man's left pocket. There was no watch on either of his arms.

"Allright, I'll get out of your hair—please, could you tell me what time it is?" His tone was pleading, and innocent. The man just seemed thrilled that Solo would be on his way. As the man pulled his phone out of his pocket, Kid stuffed handfuls of oranges and apples into his shirt.

"It's ten till five kid," the man answered.

Thanks!" Solo cried.

"Okay I think I got enough for both of us," Kid whispered. Solo nodded and the two of them walked into a dark alley, and Kid showed Solo his loot. "Okay, two oranges and one apple each," Solo said. He handed Kid his food, who devoured it almost immediately. He really hadn't realized how hungry he was.

A couple of years passed, and Kid and Solo became closer than blood brothers. Kid had finally gotten used to running the streets. They had become his home.

"Hey Kid! Where are you going?"

"I have some business to attend to," Kid replied coldly. Solo was a bit shocked; he had never heard Kid's voice so cold and monotonous.

"You okay, Kid?" He asked softly.

"Dandy," he answered, not without a note of sarcasm.

"What's wrong, buddy?"

"Don't worry about it, man." Kid's reply was casual, but there was a hint of cool finality. Solo didn't push the subject. Kid kept walking, and his long chestnut brown hair blew behind him in the wind. He looked pretty with his long hair and violet eyes. With his slight frame and soft features, he could have easily passed as a girl. Though he was only seven, he had the posture and air of grown man. Solo could only wonder what "business" had to be taken care of.

Kid returned the next day. His face was clean, and his hair recently shampooed. He wasn't wearing his old, ratty clothes. He wore new jeans, and black T-shirt. There was a small back pack hanging from his left shoulder, and a black beanie on his head. Solo sat in their dark alley. He idly flipped through a recently discarded newspaper.

"Businessman T.D. Peterson Died in Fire Last Night." The article was on the bottom of the front page. There was a black and white photograph of a house in flames. Just above the headline was an even larger picture. Several skeletal bodies were strewn about an ally, and the headline read "Mortal Plague Claims Lives"

"Hey Kid!" Solo greeted cheerfully.

"Hey, buddy," Kid said with a smile. His voice was very chipper--unlike the cold, businesslike tone he portrayed yesterday. Solo was glad. The other tone had kind of worried him.

"Where'd you get the new clothes?" He questioned, eyeing him up and down.

. "I bought them," he replied.

"I bought something for you too."

"Really? Thanks man! What'd you get?" Solo exclaimed. Kid tossed him the back pack on his shoulder. Solo unzipped it, and took a peek at its contents: Two blankets, a pair of pants, a sweat shirt, sneakers, socks, packages of food, and bottled water. Kid fondled the slim lighter in his pocket, remembering what he did to get all of the supplies.

…………………..

"Now, David, you don't want to do this," pleaded a man with blonde hair and hazel eyes. He was bound to a chair. The boy with brown hair ignored him, and ran out of the room. He returned with a fat wallet in his hand. He grinned. Kid hadn't counted on their being so much money in it. He stuffed it into his pocket.

"They'll catch you!" the man declared. Kid placed a white handkerchief over the man's nose and mouth. He struggled at first, but it did not take long for his movements to slow down. He finally fell limp. Kid drug the man across the room, and heaved him onto his bed. Out of breath from the labor, he grabbed a cigarette. There had been a pack Newports on the nightstand. He lit the end of it, and slipped it between the man's fingers. Working quickly, he snatched a bottle of Whiskey from the man's nightstand. He poured some of the amber liquid down his father's throat. He emptied the bottle on his clothes and bedding. The embers of the cigarette dropped onto the soaked fabric and immediately ignited. The flames danced before his violet eyes, casting an eerie light on his dark, sadistic smile.


	3. Jester's Mask

**All the Pretty Little Horses **

"Hey Duo," a voice called, "Wake up."

The voice sounded far away, and under water. It didn't seem to get through. The boy did not make any signs of waking, but began to toss and turn in his sleep.

/Touched/

A girl with curly blonde pig tails stared at him. Her pained hazel eyes bore through his heart and even deeper. They widened in sheer terror, glossy with tears. Her tiny mouth formed an "O" of silent surprise. Her arms flailed like a dying fish, helpless and futile. She tumbled backwards down a flight of stairs. Her body bounced, like a ball. A ball of flesh and bones. Her fragile bones shattered with each bounce.

"No! You killed her! You killed her how could you?!" A terrified woman shrieked. She began to sob.

"She brought it upon herself," Was the cold and indifferent reply.

/You say that I would do/

"I have failed," the woman cried—her entire body covered in welts, blood and bruises. She took her own life, whimpering as her life seeped away.

/So much of what you say is true/

A young boy with dark hair and green eyes lie in on the damp ground of an alley. He was wrapped up in tattered cloths and blankets. The fabric was threadbare and filthy. The boy was deathly pale, and his body was emaciated. His green eyes were dim and sunken, and he was shivering violently. A hacking cough erupted from his throat.

/I'll never find someone quite like you again/

"K-kid, I'm on borrowed t-time," the pale boy whispered, the statement was followed by a fit of coughing. Blood dribbled down his lip. The second boy tried to quiet the coughing, but to know avail.

"B-but before I g-go, you still haven't thought of a name."

"Duo… my name will be Duo," he whispered tearfully.

"Why D-duo?" the boy asked, his voice getting weaker.

"Because, no matter what happens, we will always be a duo. You will never fly solo again."

The pale, sickly boy smiled, and took a deep breath. His last breath.

/I'll never find some one quite like you, like you/

A pile of charred wood and burnt rubble was all that remained. There were no signs of life. A boy dug frantically through the debris. There he laid, his priestly garb drenched with blood. He was pinned beneath the church's heavy wooden crucifix from the waist down. Dark blood slipped down his face. The priest removed a silver cross from his neck, and handed it to Duo.

"In Nomine Patris et Filis et Spiritu Sancti." The man whispered, forming the sign of the cross on the boy's forehead.

"May the Lord be with you," The priest's voice was hoarse.

"And also with you," the boy replied.

And the tears fell.

/Ay Eee Ay.../

Duo shot straight up in his bed. His violet-blue eyes were filled with tears. Quatre was sitting on the edge of his bed, his face wrought with worry. Duo's pain sang out to him, and a powerful painful song. It tore at the young empath's heart; it woke him from his sleep.

"Duo?" Quatre asked gently.

"What's wrong?" he questioned. Duo shook his head, as he tried to wipe the tears with the back of his hand. Fresh tears immediately replaced them. Quatre handed him a tissue.

"Thanks," he muttered.

/Razors and the dying rose/

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Was the tired reply. Quatre didn't push. He knew that that could make things worse. Duo would come to him in his own time, if he needed it. He just vowed to keep a close watch on him.

"If you ever do, I'm here." Duo nodded gratefully, and Quatre left the room.

/Demigods and ugly ghosts/

Duo got out of his bed and stared at his reflection in the mirror. His face was pale and there were dark circles under his eyes. His figure looked weak and gaunt. Almost cadaverous. The frailty seemed to be befitting though. He looked like Death.

It's all my fault More tears glided down his cheeks.

If it wasn't for me, they would probably still be alive 

If it wasn't for me a lot of people would still be alive He thought bitterly.

I am Shinigami. I am the bringer of death. All whom I love or I'm loved by will die. One by one they will drop like flies. Until I stand alone. Utterly alone. 

/And God knows I'm not at home/

The young teen sighed. Depression was a demon, and Duo was possessed. During the day, he wore his jester's mask. He laughed away all of his sadness. But when the sun set, and darkness settled in. His thoughts, his dreams, constantly reminded him of what he lost. There were no distractions.

Mom he thought tenderly, remembering her kind sweet ways. He could still feel the way it felt when she braided his hair. Duo wrung his braid in his hands, unable to stifle the tears.

Stella. Her courage and defiance saw her through to the end...

/Ill never find someone quite like you again/

Solo. His best friend, his brother, his other half…

/I looked into your eyes and saw a world that does not exist/

Sister Helen His second mother.

Father Maxwell The father he never had. Duo fingered the chain that hung around his neck. He walked back to his bed, and climbed back in. Duo forced himself to think happy thoughts.

/I looked into your eyes and saw all that a world which I once lived/

Sometimes, when it was really late, and all his friends were sound asleep. He would sing the old lullaby his mother and sister used to lull him to sleep. Now was one of those times.

/I'll never find someone quite as touched as you/

He hummed for a few minutes, and Duo buried his face in his pillow and tried to force himself to sleep

/I'll never love someone the way/

I don't think I'll ever love anybody the way I loved you guys. 

/That I loved you/


	4. Homecoming

**All the Pretty Little Horses**

Duo sat down at the breakfast table, he did not want his distress to be visible to the other pilots. Yet, he was too far deep in his own thoughts to cover it up. He was visibly disheveled. His face was wan, with dark circles under his amethyst eyes. His normally thick, beautiful braid seemed unhealthy and tangled. Loose hairs frizzed up and down the length. He knew how he looked. He was having trouble bringing himself to care—or to eat even. His ever-nostalgic mind propelled him to a forgotten time…

"Duo! Please—let me cut you're hair! It's absolutely unruly!" Sister Helen called. A youthful Duo shook his head vigorously. He did his best to dodge the elderly nun. She could not cut his hair, he would not let her. Exasperated, the woman stopped chasing him.

"Why do you want to cut my hair?" He questioned. The young Duo sounded genuinely hurt. Sister Helen put a comforting hand on his shoulder, and mussed his already unkempt hair. It was tangled. Duo had tried to keep it in the braid his mother had put it in for as long as possible. It was the last connection to her he had. It took three nuns to hold him down while Sister Helen washed it. It was clean, but he did not know how to braid—and it fell to his shoulders in a complete tangled mess.

"It's become a rat's nest, dear…if you are going to have long hair—you must learn to take care of it." She explained. Duo nodded, still looking crestfallen.

"Why don't you want me to cut your hair, dear? Tell the truth…" He hesitantly and quietly replied:

"Father Maxwell said my mom is in hell…I wanted my hair to be long enough for her to reach it and climb back…" Sister Helen's eyes widened in surprise. Why would the Father say such a cruel thing? And to a child at that?

"Why did Father say you're mother was in hell?" She asked gently. Duo's mouth twitched a little bit as he thought about it, "He didn't actually say she was in hell…but he said all suicides go straight to hell without God's forgiveness, because they cannot repent."

"You okay, Duo? You're quiet." Trowa observed. The braided boy shrugged, and started to push his food around with his fork. The breakfast continued, and a thick blanket of silence settled upon the meal. Occasionally, Quatre would attempt to make conversation. A terse, one-worded reply would ensue, and the conversation would die immediately. Deeming his attempts futile, Quatre sank into his thoughts. He did not need his ability to observe Duo's intense sorrow. It was evident in his violet eyes. They were cold, distant. Duo was so far away. What was he thinking about? Quatre asked himself. He sighed quietly---he looked even worse than he did the night before. _He's not even eating. I have to do something…I'll talk to him after breakfast_, Quatre mused to himself.

Duo looked at the insides of his wrists. His pale, soft flesh entranced him. He thought of how fragile it was. He could see his veins, gently protruding from his apricot skin. He ran a thin, deft finger along it. He thought of his mother. He remembered how easily her skin had split beneath the switchblade. He remembered how the blood contrasted her pale skin, in an oddly pretty way. Duo remembered being fascinated, and frightened by the blood. The course his finger took mimicked the path of his mother's blade. A red line followed his finger. His eyes widened, and his jaw dropped. Blood coursed down his arms. It was dark, viscous. He just stared, fascinated at the figment of his own imagination.

Heero noticed Duo's odd behavior. He was just staring at his wrists, eyes wide. He looked terrified. Heero looked at Duo's wrists and saw nothing out of the ordinary.

"What is it, Duo?" He asked. One could almost detect concern in his deep, even monotone. Perhaps it was only annoyance. Heero arched a single eyebrow, when his comrade did not respond. Trowa was the closest to him. He already knew that Duo was too far away to be called back. He grabbed his arm, shaking it.

"Duo?"

He snapped back into reality. Quatre could not describe the feeling he picked up from Duo. Nor could he describe the look in his eyes. Before he could say anything, though, the braided pilot stood abruptly.

"I-I think I'll g-go for a walk," he stammered. Not waiting for a reply, the braided boy rose from his seat and walked out of the door.

Duo was so distracted by what he had seen on his wrists earlier, he didn't realize that the temperature had taken a plunge below freezing. His breath formed wispy clouds. As he walked down the street, the wind stung his face. Duo walked for hours, not having a particular destination in mind. When it began to rain, he thought about turning back. He banished the thought; he did not even know where he was. He was as lost as his thoughts.

"Oh w-well," he whispered through shattering teeth. Icicles hung from Duo's braid, and his skin was numb.

-------

"It's been hours," Trowa stated. He looked at his watch, and back at Quatre.

"It's below zero, and he doesn't have a coat," Quatre said, "how far could he have gone?"

------

Duo walked onto a bridge and sat on its icy ledge. He knew it was risky, but right now he didn't care. He didn't care about anything. He couldn't feel any thing. He couldn't feel anything but the hollow ache in his heart. He stood up, looking down at the dark, icy waters below. His braid whipped about behind him. Slowly he turned away from the water. What would it feel like? Would it really make a difference? Duo sighed. He could not even bring himself to cry. All the tears were gone. He sang the tune of the old, nearly forgotten lullaby. The sound resonated in his chest, a temporary comfort. He was so tired of temporary comforts. He needed a comfort with finality.

"Ma," He whispered, "Hell can't be that bad if you're there,"

He spread his arms, as if they were wings.

He was the God of Death; He was Shinigami

It was time to finally return home—to hell.

Duo leaned back on the heels of his black boots. He took a deep breath and let go. He closed his eyes. Freefalling: It was what flying must feel like. He cringed as he waited for the collision between his body and the ice below. He crashed through the ice. The water below felt like a thousand needles piercing him in a thousand different places.

Everything went black.


	5. Roasted Chestnut

This chapter goes out to all those who reviewed. Thank you )

**All the Pretty Little Horses**

-----

The first sign of returning to consciousness was sound. Duo heard a woman's familiar voice. It gently coaxed him out of the darkness. Her voice was smooth, and it wrapped around his name like honey. It was sweet and comforting. Duo would even go as far as saying it was angelic, but he knew better. _There are no angels in hell_, he thought bitterly. He kept his eyes shut, but the woman's voice became more persistent. _Ma? I guess it would make sense; she's come to the gates to welcome me to hell. _

Then, very suddenly, waves of pain shot through his body. He grunted, every bruise on his body screaming for attention. _Why does it still hurt? I thought **dyin'** was supposed to be the hard part… _His head throbbed mercilessly; his limbs ached dully. Duo could account for all of his ribs, because each one of them sang out in a different tone in a choir of beautiful pain. He opened his eyes, and light flooded the darkness. It was so bright---painfully bright. There was no escaping it. But that didn't make sense---he was a suicide. It couldn't possibly be heaven.

"I almost thought I lost you," the smooth feminine voice said. There was a shape hovering over him. He could distinguish the silhouette of a woman. His was vision was blurred, and he could not tell who it was. Duo blinked a few times, until his vision cleared.

"Am I dead?" Duo asked cautiously.

"No, but if I didn't find you… You would be." He suddenly recognized the smooth voice, and the attractive, smiling features. He remembered the wise, blue eyes and visibly soft, blond twists. It was Sally; He suddenly felt extremely foolish.

"Thanks, Sally," Duo murmured. He couldn't bear to make eye contact. He felt suddenly naked before her, despite the clothes he wore. _She has to know_

Sally looked down at the young man; she had never seen him look so... vulnerable. His eyes were wide and quivering, and his body bandaged. She had managed to release his hair from the confines of its braid, and the brown strands cascaded down his shoulders---all the way to the small of his back. Sally was relieved that he was finally awake, but the dejected expression on his face tugged at her heart. He looked like he needed someone to care for him, or at least a hug. She knelt down beside him on the bed, and tenderly wrapped his arms around him. Duo stiffened at first, but relaxed into the embrace. It was warm and comforting. She---almost reflexively--- planted a gentle kiss on his forehead. Duo blushed, and was unsure of how to react.

"What was that for?"

Sally a pretty smile tugged at her lips. "You looked like you needed it."

She hurried out of the room and returned with a bowl of steaming soup.

"You hungry?" She questioned. The soup smelled delicious. It was his favorite—chicken noodle. However, Duo still didn't have much of an appetite. He shook his head. Sally frowned. He had been out for an entire day—and he was showing signs of malnourishment. He had to eat something.

"Are you sure you're not hungry?" Sally asked again.

"Not really," he replied. Sally furrowed her brow. That was not the answer she wanted to hear. It was obvious that she was no intention of arguing with him.

"Well that's too bad," she stated, shoving a spoonful of soup into his mouth. He firmly kept his lips shut, denying any entry. Sally forced his mouth open with one hand, and spooned in the soup. She put her other hand over his mouth.

"Swallow," She ordered. She gave Duo the benefit of a doubt for about five seconds. She then forced his head back—being very careful of his wounds—and rubbed his throat. Reflexively, he swallowed the soup. He glared at her, and the gesture was immediately returned. Duo agreed to eat one bowl after Sally threatened to use a hot curling iron for the hair... that wasn't on his head.

"I guess I wouldn't mind being spoon-fed by a brick-house babe like yourself!" He joked. Sally's only response was a prompt rolling of her eyes.

"I'm sure it happens to you all the time…" Sally replied as she readied another spoonful. Duo balked.

"You know, if you're being serious that's just mean…If you're being sarcastic—that's even worse!" He cried. Sally's eyes sparkled mirthfully as she chuckled. She slipped a spoonful in his mouth; he was cooperative. A few moments of comfortable silence passed before she spoke again.

"Do you want me to call the other guys?" Sally asked, as she spoon-fed him. They had to be worried.

---

"I'm going after him." Quatre declared. His blue eyes were darkened with determination, as he forced an arm into his blue parka. He reached for the door, but a deft hand seized his wrist. Quatre looked up into slanted, ebony eyes. Quatre glared at Wufei.

"No."

Quatre's mind reeled._ No?! How can he just stand there and do nothing?_

"What? Don't you care? How can you just stand there and do nothing?" Quatre demanded, snatching his arm out of Wufei's grasp. He rubbed his now sore wrist delicately.

"Yes, of course I care!" Wufei exclaimed. "But be reasonable! There is 6 feet of snow out there! It's virtually impassible!"

"Besides, we haven't the faintest idea where he is. It's been about 18 hours; he could have caught a flight to one of the colonies by now." Heero stated evenly. He did not look up at Quatre and Wufei, his eyes were closed and arms crossed as he leaned against the wall. Quatre opened his mouth to protest more, but a shrill ringing interrupted his train of thought. It was video phone. Trowa pressed the answer button. Sally's face appeared on the screen, and he arched an eyebrow.

"Duo's with me," she said, spending no time with idle chatter.

"That's fifteen miles from here, where did you find him?" Trowa questioned.

"Cecil River," She replied cautiously. Trowa noted an interesting flicker in her blue eyes. He could not place it exactly. His eyebrow disappeared into his hair.

"_In_ the river?" He queried. Sally nodded, her lips tugged into a noticeable grimace. Trowa sighed, but did not pursue the subject.

"He fell," Sally explained quickly. Almost _too_ quickly. It was impossible for Trowa's eyebrow to go any higher. He frowned, obviously having trouble digesting the information.

"He was pretty badly injured—he fell through the ice from the bridge. I was on my way to get supplies for the snow storm and I spotted him. I know how you guys feel about hospitals," She continued to explain. Trowa nodded approvingly. He could hear Duo's voice calling Sally from the background. A smile tugged at his lips.

"One of you can come pick him up when he is fully healed—and when the weather breaks," She informed him. Trowa nodded again.

"_Sally!" _Duo's voice was louder, more insistent. Sally gave him a tired smile, and nodded a good-bye. "See ya!" The screen was blank once more.

"Who was that?" Quatre asked.

"It was Sally; Duo is at her house."

----

Every day for the next few weeks Sally cared for Duo. It took a few days for his fever to break, and his appetite to return. The small cuts and bruises healed, and then began to fade. His pale complexion dissipated, giving way to a healthier, pinker shade. Slowly, but surely the bandages came off. The last evidence of the incident was a deep, painful cough.

Sally's eyes snapped open. A noise jerked her from her sleep, and she sat up. Blinking sleep out of her eyes, she realized it was the distinct sound of Duo's hacking cough. She swung her feet over her bed, and her bare feet made contact with cold hardwood floor. Sally opened her medicine cabinet, and rummaged for a few moments before she pulled a small orange prescription bottle.

"Tussionex, outta kill that cough," She mumbled to herself. Sally entered Duo's room and grimaced. He was curled into a ball---shivering. Duo's eyes were squeezed shut, and he thrashed in the sheets. Sally sighed. Nightmares. They were almost nightly—but he refused to tell her what bothered him. She placed a hand on his forehead—his temperature was still down.

"Duo," She called gently. He groaned, hesitating. Sally ran a hand through his loose hair. It was thick and healthy, unlike its state when she'd found him. Chestnut brown strands ran through her fingers like silk, and his thrashing calmed beneath her touch. She hummed gently as she continued to stroke his hair. He coughed again.

"Duo," She called once more. He leaned towards her, groaning quietly.

"Open up," she whispered.

Duo groggily complied and Sally slipped a spoonful of cough syrup into his mouth. He swallowed the thick liquid, and lay back down. His tense muscles relaxed, and he hugged his pillow. Sally smiled at the adorable sight, and returned to her own bed.

As she drifted to sleep, she idly thought of how Duo's hair reminded her of roasted chestnut…

-----

Well, here's another chapter---I hope you like it, but even if you don't…review!

Sylver Secret


	6. Spilled Milk

Here goes. I wrote all of this at 3AM in one sitting. There might be some errors, though I proofread as best I could. (Considering it was four AM :-P)

**All the Pretty Horses**

Duo awoke with a mild headache, blinking blearily as the light poured into his room. He yawned and looked up. He was staring up into almond shaped blue eyes. Duo smiled, noting the way the sun seemed to make her hair glow. It was free from its normal plaits and framed her face. Her full, pink lips were pulled into a very tiny smile. He also noticed that she was still in her night clothes. A white tank top hugged her shapely frame, and a pair of gray sweatpants hung low on her hips. A small band of flat midriff peaked from between her tank and sweats. _Has she always been this pretty?_ Duo mused to himself.

"You know, I could get used to this," He said. His voice was still low with a sleepy rasp. Sally laughed and rolled her eyes. She held out a tiny plastic cup filled with yellow, grainy medicine. He made a face.

"Do I need to force feed you this early in the morning?" She asked. He arched an eyebrow and smirked.

"Baby, you play so rough!" Duo said with a grin. He couldn't contain his laughter, and it immediately morphed into a hacking cough. Sally grimaced at the painful sound. She knelt down beside him on the bed.

"Duo, please just drink it. It's for the cough. It won't make you drowsy," She pleaded gently. His coughing fit subsided and he peered up at her through his disheveled bangs. He managed a weak smile.

"I guess I have a weak spot for the pretty ones," He replied taking the cup from her hand. Duo threw it back—taking it like a shot. Sally beamed. Duo couldn't tell if it was from his compliment or that he was willing taking the medicine. He slowly handed her back the cup, and she must have noted his perplexed expression.

"What?" She questioned.

"You're in a good mood," He said, wearing a small smile of his own. She chuckled, covering her mouth. Duo grabbed her wrist, pulling it away from her mouth.

"Don't hide your smile," He began, "It's too pretty."

Very light shades of pink tinged her cheeks. It was a very slight blush, but Duo noticed it. He quickly let go of her arm, and looked away.

"Thank you," She replied. He chuckled.

"No problem, babe. But, I'm famished! You think we could get something to eat?" He quested. She nodded.

"Yeah, I was thinking about making pancakes. What do you want to eat?"

"Pancakes?" He questioned tentatively. She graced him with a smile and nodded.

"Sure," She replied.

Suddenly---he was not sitting in a bed beside Sally. The bed, the room, her pretty smile all faded away.

"_David, what would you like for breakfast?_

_David grinned up at his mother with sparking amethyst eyes. Stella sat next to him her beaming face framed with curls. _

"_Pancakes!" The two of the chorused cheerfully. Their mother laughed, and reached into the pantry. She pulled out the box, and began making the batter. Stella helped her stir and David sat at the table drinking a glass of milk. The sound of a door slamming startled him, and he dropped his milk. The sound made both Stella and their mother jump. Shards of glass scattered everywhere. Melody grimaced._

"_David get out of here, you don't have shoes on. We'll clean this up before your father gets back," She instructed. David shook his head._

"_No, no! Let me clean it up! I'm sorry, let me clean it up!" He jumped down from his chair and ran towards the glass. His socked feet slipped on the linoleum. David fell hands first into the pile of glass. Blood seeped out of his hands into the milk and glass. He shrieked._

"_David!" Melody called rushing towards him, "Get the first aid kit, quick!" _

_Stella dashed out of the kitchen, running upstairs. She nearly bumped into her father, who stood just inside the front door. Stella scrambled upstairs, ignoring his irate expression. Thomas strode purposefully into the kitchen. His brows knit into a scowl at the sight before him. _

"_Melody! I leave for **three** hours! Three!" Thomas grunted angrily, gesturing at the mess. _

"_Thomas, please, calm down!" She exclaimed, turning away from David. He scooted away from his parents, hiding under the table. He sniffled as he cradled his bloody hands. _

"_Calm down?" Thomas asked. His voice was dangerously low. Melody was backing away. He grabbed her hair. She yelped._

"_Calm down?! How can I calm down when my own wife can't even take care of my son?!" He wasn't yelling. Not yet—his voice took on an angry, animalistic husk. Melodies eyes widened in fear, she shook her head over and over. Mouthing the word no. A silent, tearful mantra. David whimpered as he witnessed his father grind his mother's face into the broken glass. His own wounds were forgotten as bit his lip to bite back a shout. He broke down into silent sobs. "It's my fault," He whispered, "My fault…"_

"Duo, snap out of it! Duo!"

Violet-blue eyes were glossed over. Tears snuck out of his eyes and spilled onto his cheeks. They dripped from his chin onto his bare chest. Warm arms enveloped him, and soft hair tickled his chest. He leaned into the embrace, the warmth was so comforting. Duo's shoulder quaked silently. Sally gently stroked his back, her fingers getting entangled in his hair. She pulled him onto her lap, stroking his hair. He tried to control the tears, but they kept coming. A sob was caught in his throat.

"Duo," Sally gently called, "Please talk to me."

"It's my fault," He mumbled into her laps. Her blue eyes widened.

"What is? What are you talking about?" She questioned. The sob in his throat forced its way out. He clutched his hands. Sally bit her lip look down at the sobbing man in her arms. She knew from the far away look in his eyes, and the irrational movements. He was cradling his hand like it was injured. There was nothing wrong with his hand. He was having a flashback.

"It's not your fault," She whispered.

"You didn't see him, Stella, you didn't see him," He sobbed into her lap. Sally had no choice but to 'play along.' It was almost like sleepwalking, she didn't want to shock him too badly.

"Didn't see who?" She asked gently.

"Dad, he…he.." Duo trailed off into a body racking sob.

"He what?"

"He rubbed her face in the broken glass! I didn't mean to break the glass, I didn't mean too…" He sniffled. Sally's eyes widened at his implications. The image disturbed her. She pushed back her initial shock and continued

"It's not your fault," Sally tried again. Duo's shoulder continued to quake for a few moments. She hummed the tune of a lullaby she'd heard years ago. Sally stroked his hair and rocked his sobbing form. Seeing him like that brought a single tear to her eye. Suddenly, Duo's body turned completely rigid. A gasp of surprise jumped from his lips. He recoiled from her touch and hid his face.

"Sally…I'm so sorry. I didn't mean too—" Sally cut him off.

"It's nothing, Duo. I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it. But I'm your friend; I'm only here to help." She handed him a tissue. He thankfully accepted it and wiped his face. The two of them sat in silence for a few moments before Duo finally spoke.

"I guess I owe you an explanation," He said. He didn't look her in the eye. Instead he focused his red-rimmed gaze at her honey blonde hair. He memorized the way it cascaded down her shoulders and framed her face. He noted the way it spilled off of her bare shoulders like water.

"You don't owe me anything, Duo. I know there are some things in your past you need deal with, but it will only be beneficial if it's done on your own terms," She explained gently. He nodded slowly.

"I guess you're right," Duo replied quietly. Sally placed her hand on his, and gave him a warm smile. He returned it weakly. She stood up and the smooth skin of her palm grazed his knuckles. Sally began to walk away, but Duo grabbed her hand.

"Wait..."

"What is it, Duo?" Her lips wrapped around his name sweetly. So sweetly that he blushed slightly. Sally's eyes widened at the gesture, but she said nothing.

"I just…don't want you to go," He whispered.

----

There's a chapter! I hope you liked it. If you have any suggestions, send them my way. As always, leave a review!

Sylver Secret


	7. Eskimo Kisses

Holy crap 1116+ hits! 12 Reviews! W00t!

---

**All the Pretty Horses**

Time stood still as Duo leaned into Sally's warm embrace. Neither of them spoke, because words were unnecessary. Even in they became necessary…the moment they were spoken the fragile moment would shatter. Duo did not want the moment to end. There was something special in that moment of encircling arms, and cascading hair. Her breaths were slow and serene. He could hear the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, pulsing and hypnotic. Heatless sunlight kissed their skin, and Duo smiled wistfully. In that moment, he finally knew peace. There was no war; there was no past and even no future. There was only the present. There was only that ever so delicate moment of warmth and serenity.

Suddenly, Duo's stomach growled—loudly. Sally could not help but chuckle. Smiling, she brushed back his chestnut bangs. Duo's eyes peered up at her with a content smile that made her own broaden.

"You sound pretty hungry," She finally said. He only nodded, still smiling. Duo did not make an attempt to part, and Sally tried again.

"Maybe we should go down stairs and get some food," She suggested. Duo nodded again, but did not move. Sally sighed, but could not stifle the chuckle.

"Please?" She asked gently.

"But you're so comfy…" He finally replied. She laughed out loud, and slowly stood up from the bed's edge. Duo slid off of her lap and onto bed. Sally stretched and arched her back. The white fabric of her tank top slid up her abdomen and exposed her navel. Duo smirked, unable to resist. He reached up and poked the exposed navel. Sally jumped and yelped simultaneously. Duo grinned.

"Now we can go eat," He said quickly. Duo hopped up and all but ran to the kitchen. His loose hair rippled behind him. Unable to suppress the smile, Sally simply rolled her eyes and followed him to the kitchen. She arrived to find Duo sitting at the kitchen table. Somehow he had managed to sit Indian-style in the chair. She arched her eyebrow at his posture, and shook her head. He was already bent over a bowl of frosted flakes, chewing very slowly.

"I'm making tea, would you care for some?" Sally asked softly. Duo's mouth was full of sugary cereal, so he simply nodded. She placed the hot water kettle on the stove, and sat down beside Duo.

_It's hard to believe that he was having a flashback less than 15 minutes ago. He's so cheerful now…how okay could he be? _Sally mused, _I hope he's not just burying it inside—that's not healthy…_

"I know what you're thinking," Duo stated as he looked over at the blue eyed woman beside him. She toyed with the drawstring of her pants, but her facial expression was unaffected.

"Really?" She questioned, "What I'm thinking?"

"That I'm bottlin' up my feelings, that it's not healthy," He responded before crunching on another spoonful of cereal. The corner of her lips tugged into a small smile.

"How could you tell?" Sally questioned.

"Well…you're a doctor; you'd be concerned with my health. Plus, you looked worried," He stated matter-of-factly. She stood to grab the whistling tea kettle off of the stove.

"Well, are you?" Sally questioned. Duo set down the spoon, and watched her as she poured the hot water into two mugs. He had never noticed the dainty dexterity of her hands, or how her skin looked like porcelain before. He had never noted her delicate, petite structure. Sally's hair had always intrigued him though. Those twists…plaits…whatever they were, never seemed to budge. But the way she stood in, it rippled around her shoulders freely. A small smile tugged at his lips as he registered the newly noted features. Her hair swished as she turned to face him, holding the mugs.

"Well?" She asked, sitting down beside him once more. Duo shook his head, trying to remember what she was referring to. He was fairly positive that it had nothing to do with her hair though. Her piercing blue eyes probed him, and Duo could have sworn she was reading his mind. He blushed with a slightly sheepish smile.

"Uh…What were we talking about?" He questioned. Sally sighed.

"Your feelings—are you suppressing them? You don't need to pretend you are okay, Duo. Not for me, or for anyone," She explained her voice teeming with both gentility and strength. Duo looked down and pushed around his cereal with his fork.

"I know that it's a hard habit to break," Sally began, "But it's not necessary…it's not healthy."

Duo sighed, "I know. But…" He trailed off, and didn't look at her. She put her hand on his shoulder.

"I know your past was difficult, Duo. But I know in my heart that you are strong enough to move forward," She said softly. Duo only sighed and closed his eyes.

"I can't though," He whispered. Duo's throat clenched and a sob threatened to rise. He swallowed it down and shook his head. Sally bit her lip, worried.

"Why?"

"I'll forget, and they'll be gone forever," came the barely audible whisper. Sally's eyes widened and she wrapped her arms around him. He welcomed the warmth.

"If no one remembers, they'll all be gone," Tears seeped into his voice, but his eyes were still dry. He rested his head on Sally's.

"No, you'll never forget them. Remember the good times. Remember the times that made you love them. Carry the happier memories in your heart, but let go of the pain, Duo," She whispered.

"What if that's all I have?" Duo asked tentatively. His eyes were closed, and his voice hushed. Sally held him at arms length for a moment, and he regarded her with downcast eyes.

"Then you lead a very sad life. Is that why you tried to…commit suicide?" Sally asked. _There, I finally said it. I finally asked, _she thought to herself. She bit her lip, awaiting his response. Duo only nodded. In his weeks under her care, she had never broached the topic. The more Duo thought about it, the more it seemed like she had been avoiding it. Tears glistened in her blue eyes. A single one trickled down her porcelain cheek.

"That's so unfair," She whispered. Duo's eyes widened as another tear slid down. It dangled off of her chin before falling into her lap. "So unfair," She whispered again, turning away from him. Sally lowered her head.

"Sally…" Duo pleaded gravely. He tried to place a hand on her shoulder, but she stood. Her body was just out of reach, and his arm hung uselessly in the air. He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it after finding no words. Duo was completely speechless.

"How could you say that?" Sally finally asked. Her voice was quiet and soaked in tears as she gripped the kitchen counter. Duo could not think of a response, and simply allowed her to continue. Her shoulder quaked silently.

"Duo," she began, "How could you say that that's all you have? Did you ever think about those you'd leave behind? If you killed yourself, then the memories of the ones you love really would be gone forever! If you killed yourself, then the hearts of the ones who love you would be broken! You would desert us with all that pain—all of the guilt and sorrow!"

"Sally…" Duo whispered, unable to say anything else. He stood behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. She trembled, and wiped at her face with the back of her hand.

"It's like---all of the people who died for you to live, died in vain. All of the time me and others fought for you—and all the other pilots…was for nothing," Her voice faded to a quivering whimper. Duo pulled her into a hug, and rubbed her back.

"Sally," He began again, "I…I don't know what to say."

"Just promise me that if you ever want to kill yourself again…think about those that care about you---the ones you'd be leaving behind. Think about the holes you would leave in their hearts. Think of what you haven't done…and if that doesn't change your mind. Think of me…and how I'll spend the rest of eternity trying to beat some sense into you."

The corner of Duo's mouth tugged into a genuine smile and he chuckled quietly. He pulled away to hold her at arms length, and used his thumbs to dry her tears. Duo held her face in his hands for a moment.

"Only if you stop crying," He replied. Sally's lips pulled into a hopeful smile, and she nodded. Duo gently pulled her towards him until their foreheads nearly touched. His nose grazed hers in a tender Eskimo's kiss. Their lips were only inches apart. The small gap slowly shrunk as their faces drew nearer.

A shrill ringing caused both of them to jump, and foreheads collided before lips made contact. Duo winced and shook the "stars" out of his eyes. Sally's hand flew to her already reddening head. She rubbed it vigorously.

"Ow…" She muttered. The shrill ring came again. Duo wore a lopsided smile.

"Sorry bout that, I've got a hard head. Maybe you should answer it," He said. Sally chuckled nervously and headed towards the source of the loud noise.

----

Teehee…I love Crack Pairings! If anyone knows any good fics with alternative pairings---please, please, please tell me! They're an inspiration! Heh, Anyway…Questions, suggestions, flames…send them my way! Though flames will probably just make me laugh, and perhaps insult some member of your family…probably your mother. :-P

--Sylver Secret


	8. Words Over Cold Tea

Here comes a twist that even I didn't expect. :-)

----

**All The Pretty Little Horses**

"Hello, Quatre." Sally said. She still wore a slight smile from the awkwardness of her interaction with Duo. Quatre noticed the small gesture, but did not question. It would be impolite to intrude. Even tired, worried state of mind--he still remembered his manners

"Hello, Ms. Sally, I was calling about Duo. How is he fairing?" Quatre asked his face tinged with mixtures of worry, hope and stress.

"Physically, Duo is doing much better, Quatre, there are just some things I'm really worried about," She responded gravely—the slight smile had faded. Quatre nodded knowingly.

"Yes, that's exactly what I was worried about. How is he doing??"

Sally glanced over her shoulder, checking Duo's whereabouts. The sounds of running water affirmed that he had taken the distraction to go shower. Her expression twisted into a worried grimace. She sighed.

"Well, he is manifesting symptoms of PTSD. He just had a full blown flashback not half an hour ago," Sally explained.

"PTSD? Post-traumatic stress disorder? Like from the Eve Wars?" He questioned. Sally shook her head no, idly wishing it was from the war. She had been trained handle shell shocked soldiers.

"The memories predate him being a Gundam pilot, they stem from his early childhood," She stated. Quatre's expression was thoughtful as he absorbed the information. He was not completely surprised—with the way Duo had been acting the last time he had seen him. The nightmares had been getting worse. His "mask" ---as Quatre referred to it—had been slipping more often. The jokes were the first to go, then the smiles. Then he would just slip further and further away until he was barely taking care of himself.

"What do we do about it?" Quatre asked.

"I'm going to suggest that he see a specialist –it's very treatable, as long as he's receptive to care," She replied, inwardly cringing at the thought. Duo hated hospitals and most doctors, it had been a fight to let her care for him—and he _knew_ her. It was not going to be easy convincing him to divulge his personal demons to a complete stranger.

"_If_ he's receptive to care…" Quatre repeated with the same knowing grimace. Sally sighed, "Yeah. I have a nagging feeling that it won't be a walk through the park."

"That's for damned sure," Quatre muttered. Honey blond eyebrows shot up into her hairline at the Arabian's curse. Quatre immediately blushed, bringing a hand to his mouth.

"Sorry…just a little stressed since I started running the family company a few days ago," He said with a nervous chuckle, "I've been worried about Duo too."

"Congratulations," She said through a smirk, "Don't worry. I'll be right there with you, once my leave from the Preventers is up."

"Leave? What for--if you don't mind me asking?" Quatre questioned.

"The commander thought I could use the time off…" She replied cryptically. Quatre sensed oddity in her intonation and expression, but decided not to pursue the subject. Instead he smiled slyly. Well, as sly as his still cherubic visage would allow.

"Heero mentioned that Wufei's been complaining about the ineptitude of his partner—definitely not up to his standards."

Sally laughed out loud; it must happen quite often for Heero to mention something like that. Wufei—the name hadn't entered her thoughts in weeks. This was a good thing--she figured-- considering the circumstances of her leave.

"Heero complaining? I never thought I'd live to see that day," Sally said through her chuckle.

"Well, Trowa left for the colonies before I did—to the circus. He got restless again. Heero is the only one there," Quatre explained. Sally chuckled again.

"Poor thing, that man can be insufferable when he's angry."

Quatre nodded, "I'm going to have to let you go—I've been ignoring incoming calls for entirely too long. My sister is going to have my head. Please keep me posted about Duo, and call me if you need anything at all." Sally nodded.

"Of course, Quatre, Good-bye."

Sally disconnected the call. She turned to grab her now cold tea, when she saw Duo standing before her. His hair was in a damp braid that fell over his shoulder stopping at his waist. His arms were folded across his chest—that was covered by a borrowed white T-shirt. Without a belt, his black pants hung low on his hips.

"You startled me, Duo, how long have you been standing there?" She questioned. Duo's expression did not change, "Long enough to know that you were talking about me."

"That's good. We need to talk," Sally said. She walked passed Duo and sat at the table. Sally sipped her cooled tea, and Duo sat down across from her.

"What do you want to talk about?" Duo asked. The edge of his damp braid was in his hand; he twirled it around his fingers absently. Sally sighed. It was always easier making these kinds of suggestions to strangers. She could make her point, sympathize temporarily—then move on. It was much more difficult when the person was a friend. She was pretty sure that no matter how gently or tactfully she phrased the words, he would not be happy.

"There is no nice way to say this. I'm worried about your psychological state, Duo. Have you ever heard of PTSD?" She ventured carefully, gauging his reaction. The violet eyes across from her darkened significantly, but he only nodded. The grip on his braid tightened.

"You're manifesting symptoms of it, but it's very treatable…what's the matter?" Sally trailed into the question when she caught a glimpse of his furrowed brow.

"You think I'm crazy," He whispered. Sally shook her head rapidly.

"No, no, no! I don't think you're crazy. I just think you need help that I'm not qualified to give, just give it a chan—"

"You want me to see a shrink—you must think I'm crazy! If I need help…why can't you help me? I mean…" He trailed, looking more hurt than angry.

"_Duo_. Please, I'm not a psychologist. It's not necessary for you to suffer like this!"

"I'm not suffering," _Right now_, he added mentally to avoid lying. Sally released an exasperated sigh, throwing up her hands.

"Are you kidding? You just had a full fledged flashback with a single word as the trigger! I've healed your physical wounds, those I _know _I how to fix. I want to help heal the _rest_ of you, but you have to _let_ me! I'm trying to help you the only way I know how!"

Her voice cracked as it rose, and her cheeks were flushed in frustration. Sally's blue eyes remained a hard blue as she folded her arms beneath her breasts. Duo's violet matched her angry blue for long, intense moment. He folded his arms, and lifted his left ankle to his right knee. His gaze faltered and he looked down, perhaps in defeat.

"What makes you think it will help?" Duo finally asked. There was a hint of resignation in his tone. Sally's eyes flickered with hope, melting her previous glare. It was critical at this vulnerable turning point, to give a bit of personal experience to further gain the patients trust. She smiled sadly.

"I've seen this doctor before," She responded slowly. Duo arched an eyebrow, uncrossing his legs. Sally folded her hands, preparing to continue.

"It's part of the reason that I've been able to stay here to take care of you," She said carefully. Duo's other eyebrow crept into his hairline, before he furrowed both of them into a thoughtful scowl.

"You? But why? You're so strong," He mused. Sally shrugged.

"Some things are just difficult to handle. Even the strongest need help sometimes," She stated. Duo wore a pensive expression before he opened his mouth to speak. He closed it again. About a second or so later he opened it once more.

"It's okay to ask, Duo. It's only fair, since I'm asking this of you."

"Okay…what happened?"

"Well, as you know. Wufei and I were partners since he joined the Preventers," She began. Duo nodded, "I remember---he mentioned it when trying to recruit me and Heero to become fulltime."

"Well, being partners, we got really close—or as close as anyone could really get to Wufei and live," She said with a resigned smile. Duo chuckled, but did not interrupt.

"Well, we had just put out a rather large 'fire.' It had been a really tough mission—some rebels had gotten the materials to build a beam cannon. Even in their half finished mobile suits—it was a trial. But Wufei and I put out the fire, coming within inches of our lives. We went to this bar—The Black Dragon to celebrate. Drinks and pool as always. We drank a little more than usual—details are foggy, but I'm pretty sure I challenged his manhood and said I could out drink him. "

She paused, taking a breath, but not looking up at Duo. He was not smiling or chuckling as Sally as expected. He was leaning forward, watching her as she spoke.

"We were both so drunk that we took a cab back to my place, it was closer. I slept with him—I'm not exactly sure how it happened."

Duo's eyes widened, "Is that why Une put you on leave?"

Sally shook her head, "No. A month later, I found out that I was pregnant."

"Pregnant? What did Wufei say?"

"I never told him," She replied. Duo jaw dropped, "_Sally_! He's going to find out eventually!"

"No. He won't. I terminated."

"Oh."

"Needless, to say—it was very difficult to work with him after that. I can't blame his insensitivity to something he was ignorant of, but he went about work as if nothing happened. He refused to talk about what had transpired---and it was just a stressful working environment. The Preventer psychologist suggested to Une that I get six weeks of paid leave—to give me space to cope, before my work was affected."

Sally sipped at her cold tea, and lifted her blue eyes to his. Duo was silent for the moment, but his eyes seemed to ask a thousand questions. One question made it from his eyes to lips.

"Do you love him?"

Mutely, she shook her head no, "No, I think that's what made it so difficult. I figured that my first time would have been more than a drunken mistake."

"I could beat him up for you if you'd like," Duo offered. Sally chuckled.

"No thank you. You just got better; I can't take another month off of work to nurse you back to health."

"I guess so…so did this shrink help you?" Duo asked, his voice becoming serious once more. His mind was carefully considering the possibilities. Sally nodded, "Even for me—and doctors are the worst patients. I have an appointment tomorrow; I could have her pencil you in. Just give it a shot, please?"

A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, "I _really_ am a sucker for the pretty ones."

----

So….what do you think? Suggestions? Questions? Anything at all would be helpful, and anyone who wants me to pursue the Wufei perspective later on—or perhaps in a different fic, just let me know…

Sylver Secret


	9. Reluctance

**All the Pretty Horses**

Duo's violet eyes carefully observed his surroundings. The walls were a soothing, pale blue and a few abstract paintings of the same color scheme hung on the walls. The carpet was cream colored and thick, and the lights were a subdued buttery yellow. The chair he sat in had plush cushions and reclined, the room was comforting—but Duo could not seem to relax. The psychiatrist, Dr. Marshall was a relatively young woman. She sat across from him in a straight backed chair, but not behind a large desk like he had expected. She had long wavy brown hair, blue eyes, and pink ready-to-smile lips. She wore a dark blue pant suit, and held a small, fresh notepad in her lap.

He leaned back in his chair his arms and legs both crossed. Duo's face was slowly beginning to scowl, as discomfort crept up and down his spine. The panging in the pit of his stomach made him suddenly regret letting Sally talk him into his current situation. _I have been here for five minutes, and she's already writing a whole damn novel! I haven't even said anything yet, what the hell could she be writing?_ He tried to keep his internal questions from becoming visible on his face.

"Mr. Maxwell, I know you don't want to be here—but would you please just give me a chance?" Dr. Marshall asked gently. Duo's mouth twitched, but he didn't respond. She sighed inwardly, but her face showed nothing but patient understanding. The doctor scribbled down a note before setting the pen down. _Fifty bucks says that if I scratch my ass, she'd write it down, _he thought bitterly---but didn't try his luck just yet.

"Mr. Maxwell," She began, Duo finally spoke up—to interrupt her.

"Duo," He said curtly. The woman nodded acknowledging the correction.

"Duo, why are you here?"

Of all the questions he expected her to ask, that one was not exactly on top of the list. _Why does anyone come to you? Cause they're walkin' down the street naked, yellin 'I'm a hamster' ?_ It only took a second for the initial shock to fade, before a smirk began to grow.

"Sally thought that I was going to flay her alive and wear her skin to work," He replied with a cheeky grin. _Write that down, doc, _Duo thought smugly. He awaited her exasperated sigh, or scathing reply. But he looked up to see her stifling a chuckle, covering her hand with her mouth.

"You think it's funny that I'm a deranged psychopath? Or do you laugh at all of your patients?" Duo questioned, deciding to push the envelope just a little further. At this, Dr. Marshall laughed out loud. He threw his hands up in the air.

"And you're still laughin'! Thanks, doc! I came in here, lookin' for help! She thought I was gonna kill her for sure!" Duo cried emphatically. The lady doctor's out loud laughter had dwindled to a chuckle, but through her smile she spoke earnestly.

"Mr. Max—Duo," She corrected herself, "I have seen deranged psychopath, I have seen those capable of…wearing a person's skin—you definitely are not deranged. And definitely not psychopathic," She explained still laughing. Duo's shoulders slumped in mock defeat.

"All right, you caught me. I wasn't planning on _wearing_ the skin," He said smiling deviously. It was his Cheshire grin, the one he wore as Shinigami. It had disturbed many, but much to Duo's chagrin, Dr. Marshall was unfazed. She jotted down a note. _Argh…more writing…_

"Duo, you quite the sense of humor. Twisted it might be, it can actually help you with the real reason you are here," She said with a friendly smile. Duo looked at the name plate on her desk, and back up at her.

"Dr. Marshall—" Duo began, but she waved a dismissive hand.

"Please, call me Jen. Sometimes the titles and such just get in the way of what really matters," Jen was still smiling, it seemed genuine as far as Duo could see. He nodded continuing, "Jen—what makes you think that me being deranged _isn't_ the real reason I'm here?"

Jen set down her pen, and folded her hands. Her smile had almost completely faded when she replied.

"Do you really want me to answer that? Or are you still trying to avoid the real problem?"

Duo shrugged noncommittally, "Does it really matter?"

"Everything matters to some extent, especially in dealing with a person's mental well being, Duo. But you don't exhibit any symptoms of dementia or psychosis. First and foremost—those deranged to the point of eating people do not recognize their actions as a problem. That said, you are too alert to be demented. From the moment you walked in, you've been surveying me and this room. You don't have any nervous ticks or neurotic tendencies. There are more signs, body language, eye contact…I could go on for days, stop me when you've heard enough," She said with a half smile. Duo only sighed.

"All right, all right. Could you really tell all that from me just sitting here?" Duo questioned. Jen nodded, "Yes, like I said before. Everything matters, I pay attention to details."

Duo only nodded, uncrossing his arms.

"How long do you think it would take for you to be ready to talk to me?" Jen asked earnestly. Duo looked down at his hands, his eyebrows furrowing.

"I don't know," He mumbled.

"Does it help to know that if I divulge any information from our sessions with out your consent to anyone—even other doctors---I would lose my job?" She inquired further. Duo nodded, "A little."

"Okay. What could I do to make you feel more comfortable, Duo?"

"I don't know. It's not you really, it's the whole situation really," He finally admitted. Jen nodded and waited for him to continue. He didn't, and she jotted down a note.

"What about this situation makes you uncomfortable?" She asked carefully. He shrugged again, "I don't know. Being here to spill my guts before a complete stranger just to have them judge me, medicate me and take my money---just doesn't sit well with me."

Jen's blue eyes widened in visible hurt, and the corner of her lip tugged slightly. She shook her head, "If that is how you feel, then why are you here? I'm not asking what psychological problem you have. I'm asking literally, why are you here? If you don't trust my medical opinion, then what is the point? If you want to just want to play mind games, I suggest that this be your last visit. If you really want me to help---I will help you, I _want _ to help you. You just have to give me a chance."

Duo's eyes widened at her words. Her tone was not scathing, but it was firm. Her no nonsense approach reminded him suddenly of the way Sally took care of him. The thought brought a fond smile to his lips.

"Allright, Doc, I'll give you a chance, but only because you're so pretty." Duo conceded with his trademark grin. Jen smiled, shaking her head.

"Thank you, Duo. I am all ears," She replied.

"What do you want me to talk about?" He asked.

"We'll start small. Just tell me anything that's on your mind. Anything at all," Jen said, her pen poised in her hand. Duo folded his arms again.

"You kind of remind me of Sally," Duo began, "Like the way you're so serious about helping me."

"Helping you how?" Jen inquired.

"Well, I'd gotten hurt. She was really serious about putting me back together and stuff." He said. The fond smile began to creep onto his lips once more. Jen's eyes flickered knowingly, but she did not say anything. She only scribbled in her notes. Duo silently wondered what he could do to read the notes—and get away with it.

"We've gotten pretty close in the passed few weeks; she's been really good to me. I've learned a lot about her," He mused softly.

"Would you say that you trust her?" Jen asked. Duo nodded.

"With my life," He replied. Jen nodded again.

"Would you trust her with your _past?_" She asked carefully. Duo stalled. He was caught off guard, but he couldn't really place why. He sighed, tightening his already crossed arms. Jen regarded his reaction with calculating eyes, noting his discomfort and change in body language. She let the question hang in the air a little longer before she finally said something.

"You don't have to answer that yet, but it's something for you to think about. Sally seems like someone you care for and trust. Perhaps it would be better if you spoke of your real problem to her, instead of a stranger as you said before. I still want you to talk to me, but you need someone that you already trust that you could talk to as well."

Duo only nodded, and she continued.

"It's obvious to me that whatever has been plaguing you, you've been dealing with for a long time. You've been dealing with it alone—when you don't have to. You have to open up at let some of these things out or it will fester inside you. No one wants to see that happen to you," Jen said gently.

"Is that what was happening to Sally? Is that why she came to you?" Duo asked. Jen sighed, "Legally I can't answer that. But Sally is human and any heavy secret could affect her same as anyone."

"I guess," He said almost sullenly. _God, does she have to write down everything?_

"How do you feel about Sally or what you've learned about her?"

"I care about her. She's got a heart of gold if I ever did see one," Duo said. There was an odd tone in his voice, as if he was leaving out an important contention.

"But?" Jen questioned with a gentle caution. Duo's shoulders slumped sadly, he looked at the floor. The bright violet in his eyes darkened, glossing ever so slightly. Jen noted the change in posture, but didn't write it down. She folded her hands, waiting patiently.

"I just didn't think she would just toss away her chance at a family, ya know?" He mumbled dejectedly. Jen's facial expression remained unchanged, but she made a note.

"No actually, I don't. Explain it to me," She stated quietly. Duo sighed.

"It's not really much of anything—family's just kind of important to me, I guess."

"Why?"

"What have you been writin about me?" Duo asked suddenly changing the subject as he noticed his pen gliding quickly across the paper. Jen smiled, "Why are you avoiding the question?"

"Seriously, what are you writin'? I'm getting' a lil paranoid over here," He questioned further. Jen gave him a small smile that bordered on a smirk. She closed the note book, and set the pen down.

"Well, to be completely honest with you. We are out of time, but I'll tell you what. If you _really_ want to know what I'm writing down, I'll read it to you during the next session. I promise."

"You're a crafty one, Doc," Duo said almost playfully wagging his fingers. Jen's smile broadened, "I had to make sure you'd come back some how. See you next week?"

"Next week."

--

There you have it. I've written so many different versions of this chapter. At first Duo just kind of stared at her. The other he actually had a really productive session…I think there were a couple more, but this one turned out the best I think. Let me know what you think.

Syl


	10. And then there is you

**All the Pretty Little Horses**

"How'd it go?" Sally questioned as Duo ducked into her dark green jeep. He slammed the door shut, and she pulled away. Duo sighed, sinking into the cushions of the passenger seat. Sally smiled sympathetically and shook her head.

"That bad, eh?"

Duo shook his head, "No. It was okay, I guess. She wants me to come back next week."

"That's pretty standard, are you going to?" She questioned. He shrugged.

"I might," He replied.

"That's good," Sally replied. Duo muttered something that sounded like "if you say so" but Sally wasn't sure, and didn't ask. There was long, mildly uncomfortable silence. With a sidelong glance, she caught the look in Duo's eyes. He was deep in his thoughts. Sally didn't like the quiet; it reminded her of the time she shared with Wufei after the incident. In the car, on a ship, anywhere they were together it was almost always in complete silence. He would talk when it was necessary, and she had given up trying to have conversations about anything other than work. It had been different before. Wufei had been fond of classic literature and poetry. Sometimes he would recommend books; sometimes it was a friendly intellectual debate. But after their night of drunken passion, silence reigned supreme. Before she could continue to think about Wufei, Duo's deep voice pulled her from her thoughts. She was so grateful to hear a voice other than the one in her mind that she didn't catch what he said. From the look on his face, she missed a lot.

Duo eyed her warily, "Are you all right, Sally?"

Sally shook her head and gripped the steering wheel, "What? Oh yes, I'm fine. Just thinking. What did you say?"

"Thinking about what?" Duo inquired. Sally stalled with a slight grimace on her face before she responded, "Oh, it's nothing."

"Were you thinking about Wufei?" Duo inquired further. Sally laughed dryly, with an almost embarrassed smile.

"You caught me."

Duo smiled, "Well if you're gonna try and hide your thoughts, come up with somethin' better than "nothing" as your cover."

"Alright, duly noted. What did you say before, anyway?" She questioned.

"The doctor wants me to talk to you."

Sally nodded, "Okay, about what?"

"Everything, but I don't think it's fair."

"You don't think what's fair?" Sally asked gently. Duo shrugged uncomfortably and looked out the window.

"Dumping anything on any one person. I mean, you have your own problems to deal with."

"I'm not going to force anything out of you Duo, but I'll just say this. Sometimes the simple act of sharing the words can be all the help in the world."

"Why's that?" Duo questioned. He still wasn't looking at her.

"Think of it as bearing a literal load. When you share the load with someone, the part you carry isn't as heavy anymore," Sally explained. Duo shook his head in disagreement before he spoke.

"That's just it though," he began, "It's not a literal load. It my past, my thoughts, my problems. In the end, all I would have done was drag someone else down. I'd hate to drag down someone like you." There was strange tenderness in the way he said "someone like you" that she almost missed. Almost. Sally slid the gearshift into park and sighed. She only wanted to help, why did Duo find it so difficult to let someone help? She sighed again.

"Sometimes not being able to help someone you care about is enough to drag anyone down," Sally stated gently as she pulled the key from the ignition. She started to get out of the car before she added very softly, "At least that's how it is for me."

Duo did not respond. He simply got out of the car and followed her into the house. He watched her walk ahead of him, his imagination getting the best of him. Duo tried to envision how different things would have been if she had kept the baby. He saw her tiny frame with the telltale bulge of pregnancy. How would Wufei react? What kind of father would he be? Duo had trouble imagining the ex-Shenlong pilot changing diapers or singing lullabies, but somehow knew that he would have found a way. Because Wufei was like that, he found a way to be honorable in any situation. He was pretty sure it was not his place to judge, but he was almost positive that Wufei would have wanted to take part in creation of life. He would have wanted to give life after all the years of taking it. Sally's voice pulled him from his thoughts.

"You're so quiet, Duo. Did I upset you?" Sally asked. She had taken her coat off and was hanging it up in the closet by the door. Duo shrugged out of the borrowed Preventer's jacket. There was no nameplate on the garment, but he was almost sure it was Wufei's. He was not entirely sure how he felt about that. Sally took the jacket from him and hung it up.

"No, you didn't upset me. I was just thinkin'," He replied, plopping down on her couch. He fiddled with the end of his braid as Sally took a seat next to him.

"About what?" She questioned.

"Oh, nothin'," He replied with teasing smile. Sally rolled her eyes, but returned with a smile of her own. It was not mocking or teasing, but genuine and perhaps a little sad. She put her hand on his. Duo's eyes widened as he looked up at her. He was silent as she spoke softly.

"Duo, you don't have to tell me what you're thinking about. I just want you to know that if you change your mind, and need someone to listen to---I'm right here. I wont be a doctor, I won't try and analyze you're words. I'll be your friend—someone who cares about you and wants to help."

There was a sad, fond smile on Duo's face and his eyes quivered with unshed tears. He interlaced his fingers with Sally's. For a moment it looked like he might burst into tears and Sally felt a pang of alarm. She didn't mean to make him cry! The feeling dissipated when she realized he was smiling.

"When you said that, it reminded me of someone," He replied, absently running his thumb over the delicate structure of her fingers. She smiled, when he began to speak with out her prompting.

"Sister Helen said somethin' like that to me. I had been mopin' about a friend I had lost before I came to that church. He'd been like a brother. She said that I didn't have to tell her what was botherin' me, but if I changed my mind. She would be my friend, she wouldn't be a nun, wouldn't condemn my sins…just someone who wants to help."

The look on his face was melancholy and distant, even though he spoke with a gentle fondness. Sally sighed quietly, leaning her head against his shoulder. He rested his on top of her head, still idly running his thumb over fingers.

"I suppose I remind you of a lot of things," She said.

"What makes you say that?" Duo questioned.

"You called me Stella, when you had the flashback," She replied softly. Duo's entire body went rigid at the name, and Sally instantly felt pangs of regret when he pulled away from her. Cold air replaced the warmth of his body against her. Duo folded his hands and rested his chin on the platform of intertwined fingers. His eyes were closed.

"Stella was my sister," He stated slowly, his eyes became more distant, "She died."

Sally wanted to offer her condolences, but she knew it would sound trite, and her voice was caught in her throat. She remained silent, and he continued.

"I was young when I lost her, but I still remember. Stella was somethin' else. She was kinda quiet, but ballsy. At the time, I was too scared to stand up against him. Too weak. She wasn't weak though."

There was admiration in his words, but there was so much pain and sadness in his eyes. Sally clasped her hands together, waiting for him to continue. He remained silent. Finally finding her voice, she gently asked, "Stand up against who?"

"My Father," He replied. There was a bitter, disconcerting venom in his voice that made Sally's hair stand on end. His eyes were dark with a cold, dangerous anger. She was sure that that was the face people saw before they died at the hands of the God of Death. The darkness in his eyes brightened when he made eye contact with Sally.

"Stella would have liked you, I think. You kind of remind me of her, but not really." Duo said. He had taken her hand again.

"What do you mean?" She inquired.

"You…you remind me of all the good things I've ever had. You remind me of Stella, of Sister Helen. You remind me of me Ma, of Hilde…" He trailed off. As he spoke, he had gotten closer and his other hand had found her cheek. The heat from his touch was causing her to blush.

"Duo," She managed to whisper, placing her hand on top of his on her cheek.

"You remind me of so many good things, Sally. But then there is you: this beautiful, amazing person." He kissed her forehead, and as he continued to speak he punctuated each sentence with a gentle kiss.

"You saved my life," He said, kissing her nose.

"You took me in," Duo whispered, pressing his lips to her cheek.

"You took care of me," He kissed her nose again

"You force fed me soup."

Sally barely had a chance to chuckle before his lips found hers in a dizzying kiss. And for the second time that week, time stood still.

---

Sorry about the wait, I got distracted by my other fic Restless Knights—it was so fun to write I got carried away. Anyhow, so Duo and Sally finally have their first kiss—even though it was tempting for them to have another interruption…I decided to give in to the fluff. So what's going on with Heero and Wufei? Has Heero lost his patience and found an apartment of his own? Whatever happened to Hilde anyway? Those questions might be answered later :-) And as always, leave a review!

Syl


	11. God of Death, Goddess of Life

**All the Pretty Little Horses**

"Hey, Doc," Duo said as he entered the now familiar office. Jen was sitting in her chair, flipping through her small note pad. Her wavy, brown hair was pulled back with a butterfly clip and black wire-framed glasses pronounced the blueness of her eyes. Her clothes were similar to what she had worn before, but her suit was charcoal gray. She smiled warmly at Duo, as if she was welcoming an old friend--not a mental patient. Duo returned the smile as he shrugged out of his leather jacket and hung it on a hook by the door.

"Hello, Duo. I'm glad you came back," Jen greeted.

"Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't miss a chance of spending an hour with someone as foxy as yourself," Duo said as he sat down in the comfortable chair. Jen laughed, and opened her notebook to last weeks notes.

"Well, I'm honored to be 'foxy' enough to be your doctor," She said. Duo just winked.

"Do you remember our little agreement from our last session?" She questioned. Duo nodded, "You are seriously going to read the notes to me?" His tone was incredulous. He didn't think that she was serious, wasn't that against some sort of protocol? Jen noticed his expression.

"Did you think I was kidding?" She asked.

"Yeah, I don't know--so what do they say?"

"Before I start, I want you to know that I'm not going to sugar coat any of my notes. If you feel like you might not want to hear what I have to say, just tell me now."

Duo hesitated before he responded, "Go ahead. I can take it."

Jen nodded and began to read.

"Patient: Maxwell, Duo. Single Caucasian Male in early 20s. Eyes are alert, constantly observing surroundings. Almost seems to be calculating escape routes. Also seems very skittish about seeing a psychologist, perhaps slightly paranoid of my extensive notes," She read. Duo couldn't help but smile at the accuracy of her assessment so far. Jen adjusted her glasses and continued.

" He has a viable sense of humor, most likely serves a coping mechanism. Though joking, his body language is very closed."

At the mention of this, Duo uncrossed his arms and legs. He hadn't even noticed that he'd crossed them.

"Asks questions in order to stall. Body language becomes slightly more open as session continues. Shows affinity for Sally Po (might make an effective confidant). Speaks honestly, but tiptoes around details. Mildly receptive to the idea of Sally being a confidant, doesn't approve of her termination. Changes subject at the mention of the importance of family."

As she reached the end of her notes, she lowered the pad and looked at him. Duo was sitting silently, fiddling with the end of his braid. When he remained silent for a few moments she prompted, "So, what do you think?"

"Sounds reasonable to me," He responded. Jen nodded and flipped to a blank page. Her pen was poised and ready.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about first?" She questioned. Duo nodded and sat up straighter.

"I talked to Sally a little bit," He stated. She jotted down a quick note and looked up, "What did you talk about?"

"A little bit about my past. I told her what you said, about her becoming a confidant. And what she said after that---reminded me of this woman who had a hand in raising me. She was a nun. I told her."

"What did she say to that?"

"She said that I reminded her of a lot of things, and she mentioned the time when I had a flashback. I called her by my sisters name."

Jen nodded, "Do you have flashbacks often?"

Duo shook his head, "No…not like that. That's the only one that it was like I was really there."

"What are the other ones like?" She inquired. Duo distractedly rubbed the inside of his left wrist, and shook his head. He wasn't sure if he was prepared to divulge that other bit of information. Jen looked mildly alarmed when he grabbed his wrist. Duo noticed this and held up both hands.

"No cuts, no scars," He said pushing back the sleeves of his red fleece. Jen exhaled, visibly relieved. She didn't want to have to institutionalize him, those places do more harm than good for people like Duo.

"Good, very good. Now, please describe your other flashbacks."

"It wasn't a flashback really," He began , "I was at breakfast. I didn't really sleep that well, and I was thinking about my mother. She...she killed herself in front of me." His voice was barely a whisper. Jen waited patiently for him to continue. Duo wasn't looking at her anymore. But past her to her desk in the corner of the room. His caught the glinting of a silver letter opener.

"She took a switchblade to her wrist, cutting along the vein," He exhaled slowly, "Blood was everywhere. I was terrified and fascinated at the same time. Her skin was so pale and fragile. It's amazing that it holds everything in our body together, and that something as small as a blade could tear it all apart…" He trailed off, and abruptly shook his head. It was as if he was trying to shake the image from his mind. Duo sighed.

"I was eating breakfast with my roommates. Well that's not true, I was sitting there zoning out while my roommates ate breakfast. I was thinking about the fragility of my own skin, staring my wrist. I traced the same line my mother had made, with my finger. That's when I was sure I'd lost my mind." He said.

"What happened then?" Jen asked carefully.

"Blood poured out of the cut just like Ma's, and it was terrifying. I knew skin was fragile, but I just used my finger…I don't know how long was like that, just gawking at my wrists. Heero shook me and I snapped out of it. They were all staring at me. I had to leave."

"When did this happen?" She inquired.

"About a month ago." He replied.

"Where did you go?"

"Huh?" Duo asked confused.

"You said that your roommates were staring at you, that you had to leave. Where did you go?" She clarified her question.

"I just went outside. I just kept walking and walking to the point where I didn't know where I was. I was so lost, which made things worse---I normally have a great sense of direction. But things weren't right, I wasn't right. I couldn't get my mind out of the past, I couldn't stop the memories from over powering me. I just wanted to ground to open up and fall to hell, to see my mother again…" He trailed off again

"Why do you think your mother is in hell?" Jen asked.

"Father Maxwell said all suicides go to hell, I was young and impressionable then."

"Do you still believe that?

There was a very dark, very disconcerting smile on his face that almost made Jen nervous. Almost.

"Well. I am the God of Death, it would only make sense that my mother would be waiting for me in hell," He said.

"What makes you say that?"

"I never really believed in God, I never saw miracles. By the time I came to that church, all I had really seen was death. So I figured, a God of Death was much more likely to exist."

"So why are _you_ the God of Death?" She questioned further.

"Death and destruction just seem to follow me, Jen. It's happened to many times to be coincidence." There was a deep sadness in his voice which had trickled to a whisper once more. He laced his fingers together, and rested his chin on the platform his hands made. Duo was silent as Jen's pen scratched across her notebook. His eyes were closed when she looked up.

"You said that because you'd seen so much death a God of Death is more likely to exist, right?" She asked cautiously. Duo nodded.

"Have you ever considered there to be a God of Life?" She asked. Duo tilted his head as he thought, then nodded slowly.

"I think there is--but I think it'd be a Goddess," He said.

"Why?"

"Because women are the only ones who can bring life into the world, can have life growing beneath their skin." He explained.

She smiled at the tender expression on his face, "Children are very, very wonderful." She agreed quietly.

"I know," Duo agreed.

"You know, children have a very funny way of healing you--that you don't even notice it as it happens." Jen said almost cryptically.

"What do you mean?" Duo asked.

"I think you should try a hand at working with children, it would be like contributing to life instead of to death as your used to."

"That's an interesting thought, I'll think about it."

"Good," Jen replied, she glanced at her watch.

"We've had a very productive session today, and it makes me very happy. We've talked about some very difficult things in your past, and I know we've barely scratched the tip of the iceberg--but progress is progress."

Duo nodded with a small smile. He started to get up. Jen stood too. Even in high heels she was shorter than him.

"Hold on, don't leave just yet. I've got something for you."

She had a model-eqsue walk, probably because of the heels. Duo idly wondered what Sally would look like in heels like that. Jen grabbed a box from under her desk, she rummaged around before pulling out crisp, new composition notebook. She strode over to where Duo stood and handed him the notebook.

"This your journal, you can write anything you want in it. Anything you have trouble vocalizing, or would just rather not say out loud. Your very first entry however, needs to be a letter. It doesn't matter who it's addressed to, but it needs to honestly convey your feelings about the things that weigh heaviest on your mind. This entry is going to be the only thing that you read to me. I will read the rest of the journal, anything you put in there that you don't want me to read---fold the page over. You got all that?"

Duo just nodded.

"Same time next week?" Jen questioned.

Duo nodded, "Yep. Same time next week."

-------------------

Wow, it's been like 4 months since my last update. Sorry you guys! Anyway, I hope you liked it. Feel free to leave suggestions and such in a review!

Syl


	12. Laughter and Letters

"Hilde, how have you been?" Duo spoke into the video phone. Hilde was not in her usual sleepwear; in fact it looked like she had angled the camera to hide her nude body. Duo arched an eyebrow.

"I've been—" She began but Duo interrupted bluntly.

"Are you naked?"

Hilde just giggled quietly, shaking her head. But the expression of her face confirmed Duo's suspicions. His eyebrow disappeared into his hairline when he heard off-screen movement.

"Who're ya fuckin?" He asked casually. He hoped that his casual approach would ruffle her feather just a little, liked they used to. She'd always stress that it wasn't funny, that she wasn't that type of girl. He'd always gotten a kick out of it. Much to his surprise—and chagrin--- she did neither. She actually just smiled, and cut her eyes to the person off screen. Duo almost didn't notice how her eyes cut downward, directly in front of her. Almost.

"Who's on the phone?" A deep, very, very---scarily familiar voice asked gruffly. Duo knew the voice immediately, but it was impossible or at least highly improbable for it to be who he thought it was.

"It's Duo," She said, looking down again.

"Hang up," The deep voice commanded. Hilde twisted her face into her patented "yeah, right" expression and looked back up at Duo.

"You are a little busy, I see. I'll make it quick," He said. She nodded, waiting for him to continue.

"I'm probably gonna stay on earth for a while, you should probably look for a permanent mechanic."

"Babe, it's been like 6 months. The position has been filled."

"I bet," Duo couldn't help but reply. As if to prove his point, she glanced down again. "Heero, stop it, I'm on the phone!"

"Hang up or I'll kill you."

"Heero?!" Duo exclaimed. Just before the screen went blank, he heard a low and sensual moan from Hilde. He stared at the phone mouth agape, even after it began to beep repeatedly---to remind him that the phone was off the hook. Duo didn't know whether he should be shocked, horrified, disgusted or jealous. The odd twisting sensation in is chest told him it was an odd combination of all of the above.

"Duo! Hang up the phone," Sally called from the other room. Her voice grew louder as she neared him, "I'm expecting a call."

Duo didn't respond. He was still gaping at the blank video screen. Sally pressed the "End Call" button, but kept her eyes on the shell-shocked Gundam pilot. Her blue eyes searched him. He was wearing a black tank top that stretched delightfully over his defined muscles. The black sweatpants he wore were loose, and Sally knew that if he were to stand they would hang very low on his hips. His pink lips were parted slightly in surprise. His eyes were wide, flickering with emotions that Sally couldn't name. At first she thought he was having a flashback, but this was different. His parted lips pulled into a grin and he laughed outloud.

"What is it?" Sally asked curious.

"Remember when you said that Wufei had been giving Heero a lot of grief?" Duo asked the grin still on his lips.

"Yeah," Sally replied. She found herself smiling, simply because Duo was smiling though she had no idea where this could be going. Duo laughed again.

"Let's just say he's found some comfort," He said cryptically. Sally arched an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"Some….sexual healing, if you will…" Duo was unable to contain his mirth and was laughing heartily. Sally's eyes widened at the suggestion of scandal.

"Who? You can't drop a bomb like that and not tell me who!" She cried. Duo just laughed. Sally found herself shaking him, which only made Duo laugh harder. He was literally in a fit of laughter—thrashing limbs and all. Sally grabbed his shoulders, spinning the swivel chair so that he faced her directly.

The laughter subsided, and he smiled slightly like the chuckles had left a sweet taste on his lips. Somewhat absurdly, Sally wondered if she could taste the sweetness. She stole a kiss from his smiling, slightly parted lips. Duo deepened the kiss, reveling in the softness of her lips and hair. Before either of them realized it, she was in straddling his lap and their hands were entangled in each others hair. When they parted for air, both faces were flushed scarlet.

"What were talking about again?" Duo asked breathlessly. Sally actually knit her brow in trying to remember. As she thought, Duo let his hands fall slowly from her blonde tresses to the gentle slopes of her slender hips. He smiled at how tiny she was. With her weight bearing down on his lap, he realized she couldn't possibly way more than 95 pounds. He could probably lift her with one arm. Duo decided to see.

"We were talking about---Duo! What are you doing?" She shrieked as he stood. Sally nearly fell to the ground, but he caught her and held her with one arm. Duo chuckled at her reaction. He reminded her of a kitten holding on to a branch. Her hair fell around her face in soft, blonde spirals. Duo noticed that she rarely wore her hair in the taut plaits around him. He liked that.

"Duo, put me down! We were talking about Heero's sexual healing," She said breathlessly. Duo carefully set her down, to fall to his knees in laughter. Sally cursed, "Dammit, Duo, now we are right where we started. Just tell me who it is!"

Duo was holding his sides and spoke between gasps, "Hilde" gasp,"Shbeiker!"

Sally's entire face became a surprised "O." She clasped her hand over her mouth and shook her head, shaking her hair all about.

"No. You're lying! How do you know?"

Sally sat beside him on the floor of her living. She was very intrigued by the newly discovered juicy morsel of gossip. Duo slid over, putting his head in her lap and grinned up at her. Instinctively, Sally ran her deft fingers through his soft, chestnut hair.

"I called Hilde. The angle of the camera was so bizarre,"

"Like she had angled it so you wouldn't see her naked?" Sally suggested as she gently scratched his scalp. Duo nodded and closed his eyes to her enjoy her attentions.

"Mhm, exactly. And I teased her about it. Normally she's all like 'No, Duo! I'm not that kind of girl!'"

"And this time?" Sally inquired.

"She just looked at whoever was off screen," He responded with a sly smile.

"Oh? So you didn't see Heero?"

"No wait, just listen. She looks at who is off screen. Which happens to be directly in front of her, directly south," He gestured lewdly with his hands. Sally couldn't contain her mirth, but didn't wholly agree, "That doesn't mean—"

"And THEN," He interrupts, childishly talking over her, "I hear Heero say, 'Hang up the phone, or I'll kill you! Ohh…it gets better she giggles and moans all sexy-like. And she's says, 'Heero stop it, I'm on the phone!"

At this, Sally stared at him mouth agape. Her shock melted into laughter, not as epic or long-winded as Duo's but it was hearty all the same. Duo smiled, just watching her laugh. Her eyes crinkled and sparkled like ocean water, her shoulders quaked like the earth and the sound was so musical and tintinabular that it put orchestras to shame. When her shoulders quaked, her hair tousled about them---sun-kissed and beautiful. She really was a goddess. His Goddess of Life. Her light warmed him and calmed him. He had forgotten what it was like to smile for real. He had forgotten how good it felt to laugh until it hurt. And for all the horrible things he had seen in his life, for all of the sorrows and pains---the light of her laugh made it all worth it. It seemed cheesy to Duo, he couldn't even begin to articulate these thoughts into words. But he couldn't ignore that soft, fluffy and warm feeling in his chest---like there was a kitten in there, and it was purring.

"What?" Sally questioned. Duo shook his head, he must have been staring. "Nothin' babe."

They sat there like that for a moment. His head in her lap and her hands idly caressing his hair. Time was slow and sweet, like pouring honey in winter. Duo's cell phone buzzed violently in his pocket. He jumped before pulling it out and flipping it open. _Appt. w/ Jenn _ scrolled across the screen.

"Sally baby, could you give me a ride to Jen's office. I've got an appointment in about an hour," He said. His voice was husky and dreamy as if he just woke up.

"Sure," She replied, bending to kiss his forehead, "It's so good to see you smile, Duo."

"You have that affect on me, babe" He said smiling still.

Jen sat Indian style in the chair he normally sat in. She was engrossed in a thin, worn novel. Duo couldn't make out the title, but he couldn't help but smile at how childish she looked. She didn't even hear him come in.

"Good book?" He asked as he sat down on the arm of the chair beside her. She jumped, but managed to save her page. She laughed outloud.

"Very good, actually, Duo. You scared years off my life. How was your week?" Jen asked. She moved her normal seat, and Duo slid from the arm to the cushion. He clutched his journal tightly.

"It was good. I found a job," He replied. Jen's eyes lit up with a genuine smile, "Oh? Where?"

"Repair shop. Cars and stuff, they're gonna pay well---so I can stop moochin' off of Sally. I felt bad just lazin' about as she went to work," Duo said. He sheepishly rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Understandable. Did you think about the things I said last week?"

Duo nodded, "Yeah…yeah I thought about it a lot. I've started looking at volunteer places. I'm gonna go see a couple places sometime this week. There are some after school programs, a hospital ward and a couple things."

Jen nodded jotting some sparse notes.

"Which one do you want to work at?"

"I don't know, probably not the hospital---they skeev me out a bit," He replied. Much to Duo's surprise, Jen didn't ask why. She just wrote a note as she nodded. He almost felt like he should tell her why anyway, but he quashed the notion. It wasn't really important.

"Did you do your homework?" She questioned. Duo nodded. She smiled and put her notepad aside.

"I'm ready when you are."

Duo nodded again. He opened his journal and cleared his throat.

"_Dear Ma,_

_I don't know where you are, or if you will ever hear these words. It's me David. So much has happened since I last saw you. No one calls me David anymore. I abandoned that name when I saw Dad kill Stella, when I saw what he put you and Stella through. I got enough vengeance for all three of us though, Ma, believe that. So, I'm not David. I'm Duo Maxwell. My best friend's name was Solo, Ma, when he died I told him he would never be Solo again. We'd be a Duo. That's why I'm Duo now, for him. After that, I lived in an orphanage under Father Maxwell. He was more of father than that bastard ever was to me. Excuse my language, Ma. Sister Helen was there too. She was sweet and nice and so pretty. She reminded me of you, you would have liked her Ma. You would have liked both of them. I lost them both in a fire. That was when I lost faith in God, and became the God of Death. I already distrusted Father Maxwell's God, because according to Him you are in Hell—and I can't believe anyone would put someone as beautiful and nice as you in Hell. _

_Anyway, Ma, I became a soldier—a Gundam pilot. I killed so many people, Ma. So many people. I don't remember their names, but sometimes I still see their faces. I fought and fought and fought until the war was over. I made good friends---other pilots. You'd like them. I also met this girl. Sally. She's almost as pretty as you, Ma, almost. She's so strong and passionate. She's a doctor—really smart to be a doctor so young. She reminds me of you and of Stella. She reminds me of Sister Helen and Hilde too. She reminds me of peace and Christmas cookies and happiness. Before I met her, I was in the dark. I was trying to find you and Stella and Sister Helen and Solo and Father Maxwell. You are all somewhere I can't be. I wanted so bad to be with you, I love you. I nearly killed myself to try and find you, Ma. I jumped from a bridge and fell through the ice. Sally saved me though. She tended to my wounds and nursed me back to health. Even when she had her mend her own heart, she tended to me. I wish you could meet her, Ma. I think I might love her, or that loving her will fix everything. Today we were laughing about something silly. Nothing a lady like you would want to hear, and I was happy just watching her laugh. It reminded me that even if I lost you and everyone else I loved, that things can still be okay. They'll never be perfect. There's no such thing as perfect. But things can be alright, things can be okay. I can live with okay. I hope that you're okay._

_Love,_

_Your Little D_

By the time that Duo finished reading, his voice was horse with emotion and droned to a whisper. Jen's eyes watered ever so slightly, and she whipped the tears before Duo could notice.

"I think that no matter where she is now, Duo, she loves you and she's damn proud. I'm sure she heard every word."

Duo smiled and nodded. He wiped away a tear that he didn't even realize had slipped down his cheek.

"This is amazing progress, Duo. You hit the nail on the head in your letter. There is no such thing as perfect. But there is okay, there is alright, there is even happy. I think that you are well on your way to all three. How do you feel?"

"I feel…" Duo began "I feel good."

"Now, I noticed you didn't mention anything about Sally's termination in the letter to your mother. Why is that?" Jen inquired. Duo shifted in his seat.

"I'm not sure, I guess it's not somethin' to write home about," He said with a ironic smile playing on his lips. She chuckled quietly, "No, I guess not. But it's important to you. And while I understand why you wouldn't tell your mother, you are going to have to at least talk to Sally about it. If you want to have a working, productive and healthy relationship---even a platonic relationship you both need to be open and honest."

"Right. I guess the only thing that really bugs me about is how Wufei is completely in the dark about the whole thing," Duo said.

"Why would him knowing make a difference?" Jen asked.

"Well, Wufei was a pilot like me. He knows what its like to have ended so many lives. He would have liked to start one, at least, I'd like to believe that."

"Fair enough. But would it be fair to raise a child in a loveless environment? Would it be fair to any of them?"

Duo bit his lips in thought for a moment, "No I guess not."

"I know you don't believe in God, but do you believe that everything happens for a reason?"

"Yeah, more or less," He replied.

"If she had terminated, she would have been pregnant and in no shape to save you from those icy waters. If it hadn't happened at all—she would not have been able to stay home and care for you. It's just something to think about, Duo."

Duo nodded, "Yeah."

"We're out of time, Duo, but I am pleased with the progress you've made. Keep up your journal, and good luck with your new job."

Duo nodded smiling he stood, "Next week?" He asked.

Jen shook her head, "No. I'll see you in three weeks."

"Three weeks? Really?" He inquired.

Jen smiled, "Yes really," She reached into the pocket of her blue blazer and grabbed her business card. She jotted down some digits on the back.

"Here's my card, my cell is on the back. If you feel you need to come in early, or need _anything _ at all. Do not hesitate to call me."

Duo slipped the card into his journal, still smiling.

"Will do, Doc, Will do."

So what is it with me and those 4 month increments between updates?

It's 5 AM and I should be sleep, but this just needed to be written. I hope I didn't lose all my readers again. I hope you enjoyed this. One or two more chapters and this fic is done, but I definitely wanna do a spin off from other characters perspective. Especially that hot 1xH action I hinted at. If you'd be interested, let me know.

Merry Christmahannakwanzikuh,

Syl


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